does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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