i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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