totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
