Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
