He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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