he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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