Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
