just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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