Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
