I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
