i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
