So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
