i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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