party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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