I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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