woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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