why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
