I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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