I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
