I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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