You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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