The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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