tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
