how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
