She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
