Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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