mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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