Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
