no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
