If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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