My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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