Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
