we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
