This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
