There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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