FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
