You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
