I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
