he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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