Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
