good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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