i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
