I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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