a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
