Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
