If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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