Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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