Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
