I'm jealous of your bromance
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
