If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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